Killing My Inner Idealist
The idealist in me is slowly dying; frankly, I am surprised it has lasted this long. At age 52, I am still naive enough that people, and yes, even politicians, act on well-intended goals, even if some are within the boundaries of self-interest. We should all act on the innate ability for self-preservation of the individual, family, community, and others. It’s especially disheartening when others only care about themselves, but what is a stab in the heart, is when those self-professing people who claim to care about community and the status of the world we live in, do not.
I no longer wish to help those who only seek notoriety, political power, money, and other self-means under the guise of helping the disenfranchised when they do not seem to possess the skills, empathy, intelligence, and sincerity to do so. Most guilty of this are political figures. In our democracy (or representative republic for the uneducated swine, who manage to learn a new word by listening to some other uneducated swine, but possess excellent communication skills) these political leaders work for us, not the other way around. But you’d be surprised how many of these “leaders” expect you to kiss their ass and work for free (sorry, volunteer) while their minions bleed information from you in the most manipulative fashion. Yet, here I am supposed to worship and grovel at their feet because we elected them into office.
As a democratic idealist, I have been preaching to anyone who will listen to me that these political figures work for us. They should be intelligent or pay others who are more intelligent than themselves as advisors. The problem is that many deem themselves the smartest person in the room, and do not listen to anyone. And when someone challenges them, well, you are cut off and seen as someone who is not a team player. In my opinion, a good team player does ask questions, and challenge leaders to be better. A team “leader” who gets angry at these challenges and threatened by someone’s intelligence should not be called a leader, at least not in a democracy. Those “leaders” are authoritarian and far from democratic. But you all seem to love to follow people, that is why religion is still so prevalent in our society. I beginning to think that democracy and religion cannot coexist, but that is for another writing.
A true democracy cannot work in a society that is constantly looking for societal and political messiahs. In a democracy, it truly is, “we the people”. We the people need to take care of each other and the world around us. It takes each of us to work together. When we elevate “leaders” it should be those who are sincere in making lives better. We should be able to criticize and condemn when they do wrong. I think that’s why I suck at partisan politics. Even the political parties are concerned about petty hierarchies. My inner idealist is constantly getting cold water thrown in her face, well it’s better than being spit at, which I have experienced in my life.
But I do not think lifting those with insincerity to improve our world is what human beings do in these times. We still want those who promise help, whether that’s through hate or false love, by borrowing from those who are sincere, and at many times using those of us with good hearts, to lift their images. If you want to do good in the world, then do it. The rest of those desires should follow. Well, they should follow in theory, but the opposite seems to happen. But a desire to do good should only be because you want to do good. No promise of fame or money (though it would be nice), political power (again, nice), or heaven in the afterlife (ugh!) should drive someone to good things. You should want to do them because you want to change the world for the better. (Though I should note that you should get paid a fair wage if you want one for your work, as we are forced to live in a capitalist society.)
Many times, I am standing alone trying to point these things out by expressing my views of certain people who have mistreated me or tried to use me. When I have supposed friends of these trespasses against me, I was often told, that these same people never said anything bad about me, as if I am just gossiping instead of telling the truth of those “leaders”. To those “friends”, I say that maybe it’s because I didn’t do anything bad to them. But you all got what you wanted from me, so it doesn’t matter. Though to be fair, I do complain a lot. I blame my inner idealist for always setting me up for disappointment.
What is strange is when someone once said, “You should stop ‘talking’ about them, because they could destroy you.” Until this day, I cannot understand what the fuck that means. Do you all see me on a pedestal? I am not, but guess who is? Those who have accomplished power and some type of notoriety. They are the ones who put themselves up there and be broken much easier than I ever could be broken. I can continuously scream over and over, but then I become static. There is no point. I Political Science professors were right, “we don’t send our best,” to political office. Though I am a coward in not even running for office, that’s because I do not think I am best suited for such things. I am a human rights activist more than anything, and I will keep it that way.
Granted those of us looked at as “workhorses,” beaten, used, mistreated, and given zero credit for our ideas, criticisms, etc. are met with manipulation in the guise of praise until we start questioning. Instead, we congratulate and worship the “showhorses” and even give them praise beyond anything they deserve. When they do not have any real skills, thoughts, ideas, or work ethic to speak of in their undeserving souls. And we especially want to lift them up when they have money. This reflection answers the question of why we think wealthy people are more intelligent than the rest of us when really it is luck. But what do I know?
If I sound bitter, it’s because I am. I was born angry but kept it buried under a good-natured persona. I am good-natured until I am disrespected, cheated, used, or abused. I have tolerated so much from others since I was a child, and I am tired of it. No amount of money or threats can keep me from speaking my mind. If notoriety, money, and political power come my way, I will embrace it, but only if I know it is because I worked hard, learned, listened, and empowered others. I guess that is what is important to me. I have been a human rights advocate and a paralegal for almost 20-plus years. I have a Master's degree in Political Studies, but am talked down to by those who know only bullet points. You all should know that I am not in competition with you. I am really not.
For all these years, I have given others the benefit of the down on their sincerity and intelligence levels. I have always treated everyone the same, regardless of their status in life. As I shared with someone recently, I know that I lot of people do not like this. I was fired twice for this, the only times that I have been fired in my life, both from lawyers. Not for my lack of skills, not for missing work, but for treating the others in the office the same. Maybe I have a problem with hierarchy.
I do.
Anyway, the idealist in me is dying. Dying from the hate that I experienced a few weeks ago at the state of migrants escaping desperate circumstances in the world. The hate of the mob was very overwhelming, but our local political cowards fed into the crowd like the snakes that they are, and so bullying and hatred won that night, as those who tried to do what was right caved into the pressure. I think that was the final wound in the idealist that was me. Dying from being talked to condescendingly by people with less experience and knowledge than me. Dying from those who lack compassion being praised for being so, how does that work? Who the hell knows. I think all these things have killed her.
No. No, it hasn’t.
Unfortunately, my inner idealist won’t die. It’s as if my inner sadist and masochist keep dancing in my head, my emotions, and my soul. That is what it is like to be an idealist in a selfish world. Alas, she keeps going with hope. Hope that there are sincere people out there who want to change the world. She hopes that there are people who do care about human rights and want to help those who need it without the desire to promote themselves, ideology, religion, or bank accounts. Hope is all we have. What has happened is my inner idealist has become more cynical. Maybe vet those a little bit more with whom I want to empower with my skills or knowledge. Or maybe better yet, I should learn to empower myself and then others, and not the other way around. I am not going to change, and neither is my inner idealist.
Not sure if it will work, but I think I should try first. I will continue to feed my inner idealist by continuing to be my loner self, a lone wolf if you will. Jumping in and out of local, national, and international organizations as I wish, go to political events, and treat our politicians and wealthy like the human beings that they are in this world. (In other words, I don’t give a fuck who you are, I am going to treat you with respect and compassion, until you treat me otherwise. Remember, I will return disrespect in a minute.) So I have decided that I will empower myself and if others come and share this light, then so be it. And then, and only then, maybe I will worry if someone threatens to destroy me again.
